The Power of Telling Them

For a while I leant fairly heavily into the ‘Let Them’ theory. If people wanted to exclude me, let them.  If people wanted to gossip, let them. If people wanted to be unkind, difficult or disappointing, let them. While I still believe there’s wisdom in that, protecting our peace and accepting that we can’t control other people’s behaviour. But if I'm honest, I think I took it a little too far!

After a few experiences that left me feeling hurt and disappointed in others, I found myself becoming far too focused on noticing the behaviours I didn't like. The exclusion, the criticism, the unkindness and the subtle ways people can make others feel small.

Then I came across something a counsellor colleague, Rachel from Greenhill Counselling had written about the ‘Tell Them’ theory and something shifted for me. The idea was simple, when you notice something good about someone, tell them.  When you admire something, tell them.  When someone has made a difference, tell them.  When you appreciate someone, tell them! The more I thought about it, the more I realised it completely flipped my focus and instead of looking for what was wrong, I started looking for what was right.  Instead of noticing who was excluding people, I started noticing who was including them. Instead of focusing on the people who made me feel sma

ll, I started paying attention to the people who made me feel seen.

And here's the funny thing. The more I looked for those moments, the more I found them. A mum who always remembers everyone's name.  A friend who quietly checks in when things are tough. A colleague who makes people feel welcome. A volunteer who never seeks recognition.  A teacher who goes above and beyond. A neighbour who is always willing to lend a hand. And when I noticed it, I started telling them. Not in a grand gesture kind of way. Just in a simple way like, ‘You are so great at making people feel at ease’ or ‘I really admire your work ethic’ or You have the best laugh, it’s so catchy! The response was often the same, surprise and sometimes embarrassment and even occasionally tears.

Most people are too busy listening to their own inner critic to hear what others genuinely think of them and I truly believe that a few kind words has the power to cut right through that. What has surprised me most is that my daughters have jumped on board too. We've started making a point of telling people the good things we notice., not because we're trying to be nice for the sake of it. But because kindness, noticing goodness and encouragement are all skills. And like any skill, it gets stronger with practice. I can't stop people from being unkind, from gossiping and I certainly can't stop bullying behaviour. But I can decide what gets my attention and  I can teach my children to do the same.

Maybe that's the lesson. The world doesn't need us to ignore poor behaviour or pretend difficult people don't exist. But perhaps we don't need to give them all our focus either. What if we spent just as much energy noticing the people who are doing good? The people showing up. The people trying their best. The people making our communities stronger. And then what if we told them? You never know whose whole day, week or even year might be changed by hearing something good they desperately needed to hear!